My Dream

Wondering what it will take for you to see me here
Is it really that hard to see how much I care
The depth of my being yearn all the way through
At just the very thought of standing beside you
I notice something different in your eyes
And I find myself thinking about it whenever I close mine
I can't quite place a finger on just what it is
But I do know there definitely is something special about this
Many have come and many have gone
But with each moment I sense that peace, like this is where I belong
I like it here, I really do
But I can't help but wonder what life would be like if I was more than a friend to you
I may be out of line
But my heart desperately wants you to be mine
I just really wish that one day you would notice me too
Because on that day my dream will come true

Finding Love

Taking a step back into a different setting
Moving on but never forgetting
Some things can't be kept forever
Even though your heart does not want to let go
Sometimes it's best for you to walk away And take a new road
It may take you some time to get back on your feet
But if you continue to live in regret
Your heart will continue to get weak
So put everything aside and take a stand
For if you don't, love may never find you again
You can't fight love
It just doesn't work that way
Love is pure and kind
But it has to work both ways
If the time comes well after you have moved on
And for some reason you still feel lonely
It's because there is only one love so gentle and true
It's the love that God has for me and you

My mind began to wander during my reading today. And I began to wonder how many people don't fully grasp the fact that God loves them? If we did in fact know and believe the Word of God, wouldn't Christians then be more joyful? A new believer has a certain glow to them, similar to the look in a man's eyes when he sees his newborn child. They have discovered the meaning of life, realized they were created for a purpose, know they are loved by their Creator, and want to share with anyone who will listen. Yet, I don't understand why with time we see God's Love differently, as if it suddenly becomes less significant.


It is the words of the well known verse John 3:16 that caused be to become sidetracked today. For me personally I have heard that verse probably 1000's of times. All throughout my life I went to church with my family, and in Sunday School that was the first verse I learned. I remember after I accepted Christ how excited I would get when a pastor used that verse in their sermon. I remember getting bubbly feeling knowing that was the verse that gave explanation to why joy could and did exist in my life. I remember Bro. Robert telling me to add my name to it to make it more personal, "For God so loved, Patrick..." There were many times where that verse alone helped me get through some of my darkest days.


But, recently I heard this verse, and I felt nothing. No joy, no excitement. In all honesty, I was slightly annoyed by it. So now I sit wondering how many people have grown to feel like "John 3:16" has become too repetitive? To some degree it reminds me of hearing someone use a cheesy pick-up line that every girl has already heard. Here it is you have a Bible with tons of verses, yet pastors keep using the same one. In many ways, John 3:16 has become like an overplayed song on the radio. When we first heard it, we loved it. But with time our interest faded.


I can't really say how long I have felt this way, nor what brought on this change. I'm sure the way the world portrays love has clouded the way we perceive God's Love. But as long as we live in this world, Satan is going to be at work constantly doing all he can to distort God's Word, His Love, and all He is. The moment we cease to pursue and love Christ is when sin finds its way into our lives.
And as long as sin controls us, we can't see God's Love through a clear lense.


One thing that I have learned in life is if there is an area in which I struggle, then most likely there are others who do as well. So, I ask, has God's Love lost its dazzle in your life? Has the truth that our Creator desires a relationship with you become old news? When is the last time you genuinely thanked God for loving you?


I still have a hard time not only comprehending God's Love, but how he could love me. It deeply troubles me that I would ever allow myself to so easily walk away God's Love, and take the Gift I've been given for granted. His Love is something that should be our motivation, the reason we wake up each day, and something that we get excited about. Because, without God's Love, what would we have?


"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16


**Don't ever let the fact that God loves you ever get old. It should amaze and excite you just as much today as it did the day He entered into your life.**

He Has Made Me Glad!

Sitting and pondering thoughts
Clutching onto everything that I have
Not wanting to lose it all again
So I put my full focus on Him

Again and again I fall and mess up
But I keep myself in the Word
And I continue to worship the Lord
Giving all I can to forever satisfy Him
Because I never want to lose my Lord again

I remember turning back and doing my own things
And it left me without anything
I lost all the hope I ever had
But it took losing it all to get my life back on track

I remember when every night I cried myself to sleep
And let all my troubles take over me
I wanted to give up and just die
But every time I tried I couldn't go through
But now I am glad because with God I am finally finding something true

What Matters...

I am about to set out on a journey. A journey in which all honesty, I am terrified of. Here I sit in the one place I have called home nearly my whole life. My family, my friends, my successes, my failures, everything I am, and everything I have is here. Which therefore, would make perfect sense to why those closest to me don’t understand. Everything I need is here, and they are right. But that is where the problem arises within me. I need to fully rely on God, to trust and follow Him. I don’t know our destination, but I do know He will be walking with me throughout this journey, so I will go.

You see, I want something more, I’m tired of just blending in, being part of the background. I need to know that my words, my life, everything that I am has a meaning, a purpose. I live for good, and often do it. But, if it doesn’t  make a difference in the world, does it really matter? That right there is what I desire, to matter. Yet, because of my own fears and insecurities, I have spent the majority of my life doing my best, but at the same time staying partly hidden.

I don’t care if I ever get a plaque, some type of great reward, or even a pat on the back. None of that is what I seek. I just want to know that when I exit this life, my Heavenly Father can look at my life and smile. I don’t want Him to hurt with disappointment and be heartbroken when He looks at me.

I do understand that every picture needs a background. But, the purpose of a background is to create a more dynamic, enlightening picture. To bring into perspective the full beauty and power of the scene being portrayed. I live my life for Christ, He is the center of the picture in which I live. But, I have simply faded into the background, trying to go unnoticed. I’m still there, still serving, but I’m doing just enough to remain a part of this portrait.

God gave me so much more, He gave me everything that I am, and it’s time to do the same for Him. I can never repay Him for all He has done, and will continue to do. But, I can give Him the one thing He gave me; my life. But, this is where so often the biggest mistake of all is made. So, I will be clear, I’m not giving God just 10%. It seems like too often we get caught up in this whole idea of trying to figure out how much is enough. Well, after I give my life to God, if there is any of me left over, then I simply have not given enough. God didn’t die for only 10% of the world, He went in giving 100% of His life. So, I will go out giving 100% of mine.

In just a few days I will begin a new chapter of my life. I will be living in a place that I don’t know well, I will have to make new friends, build relationships, find a new church home, and so much more. I will be going to school to begin receiving training for what God is calling me to do. So, you may ask again, “Why give up everything, to start over with nothing?”.  Simple, I already have nothing, and am nothing here on my own. But, God has the ability and power to take something so small and pathetic and create something great. Though I do fear this decision, I also know I will be okay. For in the place in which my faith belongs, there lies my hope and the promise of a loving God, that though I will struggle, He will be with me to comfort, teach, guide, protect, and love me.

I personally am blessed to be able to say that I was raised in a Christian home. Yet, I am saddened to say that for most of my life I lived in the world, and made it my home. At a very young age, I was introduced to the world of pornography. A few years laters, I began to hang out with a new group of people, where sex, drugs, alcohol, and sometimes violence were a part of daily life. I can say that I did refrain from much of it. But I still witnessed and at times took part in things that changed me, and hurt me deeply. My life had began to spin out of control and I really didn’t know where I could go. I woke up each day feeling so small and worthless; depression was starting to take over. At the age of 16, I put a gun to my head. I can remember every single aspect of that night. When I lie in bed at night I can hear the clicking of that gun…twice. For some reason it would not fire, so I checked it, and tried a 2^nd time. In the years that followed, I secretly lived a life shielded by a mask. I began to slip further each day into depression, I stopped sleeping, and found the only way I could go on was to depend on alcohol.

In the summer of 2004, I gave my life to God. My life didn’t change immediately, it was hard, but it did change. I had been so involved in filth, that it did take time to rid my life of all of it. I continued to better myself by spending time with God, up until He showed me what He wanted me to do. I tried to plead with Him, get Him to rethink His standing. But, when I saw He wasn’t going to budge, I went back to running.

In the years to follow, I went through the failure of a marriage, and eventually turned back to alcohol, drugs, and sex for comfort. I fell into the deepest of darkest pits of depression, and attempted repeatedly to take my own life, which eventually would lead me to the hospital. The hardships and troubles I faced during those dark days, I wish to one day be able to share with you. To share how I did eventually escape out of that imprisonment. It took time, too much, but I did come back to God, and this time I promised myself and God that I would give up everything and follow Him, no matter the cost. To my surprise and shock, His plans for my life remained the same. I still spent sometime trying to persuade Him to rethink His decision, but this time I stuck to my promise.

I don’t know what exactly God has planned for my life, I’m just taking one step at a time. God has called me to the ministry, to which, many people have asked “where?”. I will go, I will teach, I will share “wherever” He tells me to. I am a very quiet and shy person, and it does trouble me why God would choose me, with the shameful resume that I have. Yet, I do know everything will be okay, for God has not misled me yet, and I don’t expect Him to now.

My move to Jacksonville is about to take place. There I will be attending Trinity Baptist College, majoring in Christian Counseling. With the help, and guidance of God I will one day be able to help those who struggle the same way I did. I am scared, I don’t know where I’m going to work. I don’t know if I will find anyone there that I can trust, or if I will find a church that becomes that of a home. But, I would rather live in a place of the unknown with the One who created and loves me. Than to live where I am comfortable, but hiding and running from the very One whom I say I live for. See, for me to stay here I would be living a lie. I say I am a follower of Christ, and He is calling me elsewhere. Therefore, it is time for me to do what I believe, rather than just say or post it.

I really don’t care if 50, 60, 70, or 100 years from now anyone knows nor rememebers me. My only hope is that because of the life I chose to live other people will have come to know Christ as Father. Because regardless of everything else, He is all that “matters”.

The Trail of Love

(wrote in January of '04)

Trail of Love

I was walking through the wilderness on a cold winter night
The stars were glowing bright, high up in the sky
The trees swayed left and right, the wind had been blowing all night
The cold moist air whipping across my face
A hard branch brushing my side, it scared me half to death

 

The trail was long and had many turns
Each trail had a different sign
There was a sign for everything, from parties to love, friends to homework
It was all coming down
Where was I? What did this all mean? What was I to do?

 

I just could not see
Obedience, lust, sharing, giving
They came one by one
What to do? Where to go?
It felt as if I was all alone, running rapidly as fast as I could
Everything seemed so blank

 

I began to grow tired, I slowed myself down
I looked up at the next turn, football or church is what they read
It had not caught my eye until just now it seemed as if the words were burning
Out of excitement I walked towards the game
The sky started to blacken, then I heard my name
It was telling me to turn back, but I pushed away and kept going down this path

 

As I grew closer to the game, I saw people shouting out with shame
What was going on? How could this be?
It seemed as if they were all yelling at me
I walked to the 50 to start the game
I was going to be the star and live up to my name
A man ran me over and knocked me off my feet, I jumped up to fight back
What had gotten into me?
I was turning into one of them, I could not take anymore

 

So I headed back towards the trees, I was back on the trail
But something didn’t seem right, everything was growing darker through the night
The wind was now whistling, slashing through the trees
I felt as if I was going to lose it all right there
The fear in my eyes, the fear in my heart
What was I missing?
Something had gone wrong

 

I fell to my knees and began to cry
Then everything lit up, and heaven opened the skies, and an image walked to my side
It was a man so tall and perfect, He placed His hand on my shoulder
I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to say

I just sat there with my hands in my face

 

He looked down upon me in all His glory, and said,
“Patrick, my son, it will be okay, get up and walk with Me”
I stood up right away then stopped in my tracks and looked away
“Why, oh why, Lord do you pick me?
When I said I loved you, and I didn’t know what it really meant
You though have always been there
Even through the times I turned down Your Word for play
Why me, why me Lord, Why do You stay?"

 

He replied, “Shush your mouth young child
For your words do not match
I made you a promise and I am not turning back
For love is forever and forever I will stay

Don’t turn back, don’t turn away

 

From this day forward you will follow My Word
Not turning back from what you have been told
Just follow your heart I will always be there
I will not leave you, because I care
There may be some struggles in the road of life
But just remember what love is and you will be alright
For I am love and I will love you for the rest of your life

 

Now just remember this and you will succeed
Through all big and little things
Now move about child don’t waste anytime
Share with the world the love, that you have felt on this night
Now go on, I will see you soon, in a better place where love is life.”
He hugged me tight, and I followed Him down the trail of Love.

Time For A Change

    I am going to lose weight! I will start exercising and eating healthy! I am going to read my Bible everyday! It is that time of year again. Soon, it’s going to be posted all over Facebook and Twitter. It will be talked about amongst family and friends. Yes, 2010, will soon come to an end. So, here come those New Year’s resolutions. I am going to get more involved in church! I am going to be a better person! It’s going to be a great year!

     Oh, we are always setting such high goals for the new year. This is our chance to remember and reflect on the past several months, but go into the new year with a positive attitude that we can make it better. There is often no harm in any of that. Or at least there doesn’t seem to be. It’s always good to have a positive attitude. But, we seem to go into to this thinking, “Now what can I do, to be a better person?”. So, here it is, we are going to start off the year by focusing on ourselves. Granted, some of these things would be nice, if you could start doing them. But, there is many problems with these resolutions still. Committing to begin reading the Bible and praying everyday, at the start of the year is great. But, God demands that you do it NOW! We need not put off what needs to be done today, for then tomorrow will soon also be put off.

     Also, with New Year resolutions we have this whole attitude where, “Well, I gave it my best, it didn’t work out. I’ll try again next year.” With little things like lose weight and all maybe that’s fine. But, often we are taking things that God commands us to do, and making light of them. Following God is not a game! Following God, should be our desire, our passion, our entire life, every breath step of it. In the Mark 8:34, it says, “Then He called the crowd to Him along with His disciples and said: ‘If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me.’” No where in Scripture does it tell us to just follow Christ until things get tough, or until it becomes an inconvenience. We are called to follow Him, today, and tomorrow. So, to say next year I will do this or that for God, while we say it with good intentions, we are wrong.
    
     I have spent a lot of time reading, thinking, and praying about what area of my life I can change to grow closer to God over the next year and beyond. Reading the Bible, praying, being more involved in church, and so on are all great things. But, they are also things that we ought to already be doing. I wanted to do something though, that I would have to fully rely on God to prevail. Something that would bring glory to Him, rather than have the focus on myself. I desire to find a way that God can change me on the inside.
     I believe that there is a way to do that, because I have found it, and have already began to apply it to my life. Most people if they were given the opportunity by God, to decide how their 2011 went would fill it with material things. “God, I want a new car, a nice house, a new career, I want to win the lottery. I want to meet the perfect mate, have a child, have a happy marriage, and I want to be closer to You.” It sounds good! So, the commitment that I made, I am about to present to you, may be hard to swallow.

     I believe that we need to change our prayer lives, entirely! So, often our prayers, consist of a quick thanks to God, and then we focus on all the things we want. It is time we stop this, and focus our prayers on praising God, and….here comes the hard part, praying for trials and hardships. Look back at your life. At what points in your life did you grow closer to God? Was it when you got a raise at work? No. But, it was during that time, where you lost your dad, or you lost your job. See, when life is going good, we may remember to thank God, but that is also the time we grow apart from God. Yet, when we are being faced with pain and troubles, we quickly run to God, because we are not strong enough to make it on our own. Right there, in those times of hurt, that is where we grow the most.

     So, are you ready to grow closer to God? That means that it is time to get uncomfortable, and give up complete control. It’s scary when you think about. If I ask God to bring hardships into my life, what will happen? Will my marriage fall apart? Will I lose a child? What will happen? Maybe it’s not worth it, when thinking twice about it. But, that is it. In this world, it is not easy to follow God, we are not of this world. We are not strong enough to face any trial thrown our way, that is if we go at it alone. God promises to protect you and guide you if you allow Him to be the driver. He wants to draw you closer to Him. However, it’s during our lowest times in life that we grow the most in all areas.
    
     Looking at the two options of different types of prayer. I would much rather live my life here on earth in turmoil, where I am comforted and guided by Christ. Than to live a life in luxury, and worldliness happiness, and never know the true love, and compassion of such a gracious God. So, starting today, starting right now wherever you may be, will you let God change you? It is not going to be easy, but as long as you continue to lean on God, He will carry you through.

     In the famous poem, “Footprints”, it says, “The Lord replied, "My precious child. I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering when you saw only one set of footprints...That was when I carried you." One day, when you reflect on those “Footprints” of yours with God, and you notice that a point in your life there is only one set of footprints and it remains only one set throughout your life. When you ask God, “Why is it that nearly my entire life you carried me?” He will reply, “Precious child, that was when you changed your prayers and trusted me.” See, I honestly believe that, there shouldn’t be two sets of prints. When I picture myself in that setting, I believe we should be like a young child closely following behind our Daddy, placing our feet where He stepped first, and in the times where we are scared and tired we should be in His hands.
     2011 is just around the corner, many of you already know what your resolution is. But, why not start not. Pray the prayer, that will change your life forever. Starting today, rely on God, and begin to feel a peace and hope beyond understanding.