(Journal Entry for 5/25/2010)
Search me through O Lord
For You know all my fears
Look deep within me
And relieve me of all the lost tears
I know who You are
I know You will always be
But, why O Lord is there still doubt in me
I believe with everything that I am
Yet, every time I get my life back on track
It seems that I just find myself in another jam
Lord I know I make mistakes
It seems like they just follow me
But, I want to escape this life of insecurity
I have failed so many in this life
But, I don't want to fail You again
What can I do to not mess up?
What can I do to gain trust?
I look all around and temptation seems to surround me
But, O Lord I want to be freed
I don't want to open my eyes and not see peace
But, it seems like failure hovers over me
I want to please You O Lord in everything that I do
I want You to search my heart all the way through
Tell me what you see there when You look at me
Is there any hope for anything?
I am afraid of letting You down like I have so many times before
So Lord give me the faith to just be bold
I know I don't have all the skills
But, if you accept me then I will have everything that I need
I can't face tomorrow with an ounce of doubt in my heart
So, I come to You to see where to start
I admit I am scared of what the next step may be
But I must face my fears because they have stopped me from doing many things
I don't want to disappoint You
And I know if I give up I would do just that
So, I am giving You everything I have
Just search me through O Lord
For I no longer can run from Your Words
I find myself lost and not knowing what to do
But, cleanse me O Lord, for I want to be just like You
Monday, August 16, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
I Will Finish Third!
I don’t write these things to seek out attention, or try to act like I am better than anyone else. I write this because I am just the opposite; I am nobody, I am nothing, I am worthless, I am lost, I am empty, I am a sinner. I write this to share the commitment that I am making with God, and others; and to simply share what is on my heart.
In this life I have struggled so much. I seem to make one bad choice after another. Rather than do what I know is right, I constantly do what I want, when I want, and how I want. Yet, time after time, I just fall flat on my face, but never seem to learn my lesson. But, as I look back at my life, I can see where when I relied on God, I did succeed. But, when I did things my way and was disobedient to God, I suffered. I see that God has never left me, I left him. I walked away, because I didn’t want to give up everything. But, I am ready to change that and follow Him wholeheartedly in everything I do.
Often times christians will go to church and decide to rededicate their lives to God. But, I don’t want that; I don’t want to go out on a spiritual high for a few months. Then have it drift away, and go right back to my old ways, I want something more. I want to change from the inside out, I want to make a permantent change. Not just a change the church sees, but a change even I can see. Too often I am told how much of a godly person I am. But, I’m not! I’m far from it.
I am tired of just wearing christianity on my sleeve. Yes, my desire has always been to serve others, but my heart has not been in it. No more just being a christian on Sunday mornings. I am going to be a christian at work, with my friends, my family, when I’m driving, at the store, everywhere I go. But, most importantly I am going to be a christian when no one is watching. In those moments where I am up late and it’s just me and the tv or me and my laptop. It’s time to give Christ all of me, and stop allowing Satan to get his way. I am giving up everything this time, and doing things the way I should have the first time.
If I am not using my computer for something constructive, I won’t use it. I am getting rid of all my alcohol and cigars (I am not saying that is right or wrong for others to do any of that), because if I am stressed or having a bad day; Christ gave me the best anti-depressants known to man- the Bible and prayer. I am going to give God complete control over my thoughts, and pay close attention to what I am allowing myself to hear and see.
Now don’t get me wrong, I say I am, but honestly I can do nothing. Over and over in this life, I have tried to make a difference and be a better person. But, after 23 years of trying I am realizing that I can’t do anything. I will never make a difference, and I will never be anything great. But, I can obey God and allow Him to make a difference through me. So, I do say I am, but the one truly in control is the great I AM.
I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit to the point where people will know with out a doubt that Christ dwells within me. I am proud to say that I am a Christ follower, but I want to be what I say I am. Christ created me on purpose, and He created me to worship Him. So, rather than trying to figure out where I am going in life or what God has planned for me. I will begin to serve Him now. I don’t have to be in another country to share God’s Word. I can share it right where I am. I don’t have to wait till Sunday’s to worship Christ, I can worship Him at work, while I’m driving, in my thoughts, and everywhere I go, no matter what it is that I am doing.
I am making a commitment today that at the end of everyday, that I finish third. If I ever finish higher then that I have failed you and failed God. I will make it my full focus to always remain in third. Second, will belong to others. God calls us to go out among the nations and share His Word, and to serve others. So, whether I have to give time, money, both, or whatever, I will make sure I keep others before myself. First, of course belongs to Christ. He will be every part of me. I don’t want just others to see Him through me, but I want to see Him as well. I will worship Him with every step of my life. I will finish third!
I will never forget the mistakes I made in my past, or the hurts I have felt. But, I will also, never forget that God brought me through it, and if He brought me through all those times, I know He will be there to bring me through the next valley. So, if it means I rely on God, the most while I’m in the valley. Then as bad as it may sound, maybe it’s best to remain in the valley. But, I will rely on and trust God wherever He has me. I will remember that it was not to long ago, that I lived in sin constantly; and by doing so , I will be able to have compassion towards the lost that God sends me to teach, rather than judgement.
My goal for life comes from, Acts 20:24; “However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me – the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.” I am proud to say that I my daddy is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, He is the Promised Messiah, my Jesus! But, I hope that I will live my life in a way for Him, that He is proud to say I am His son; even though I am so unworthy of this honor.
Everyone at somepoint thinks about what their funeral will be like, and who all will be there. But, what I wonder is what will be said about the life I lived. As a christian I honestly believe the greatest thing that can be said about you is that you followed everyday of your life the as it says in 1st Corinthians 11:1, “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.”
So, today I once and for all, put all my old ways behind me, and strive to live a life living for God in all circumstances wholeheartedly; I will serve wherever I am, and wherever God leads. I WILL FINISH THIRD!
In this life I have struggled so much. I seem to make one bad choice after another. Rather than do what I know is right, I constantly do what I want, when I want, and how I want. Yet, time after time, I just fall flat on my face, but never seem to learn my lesson. But, as I look back at my life, I can see where when I relied on God, I did succeed. But, when I did things my way and was disobedient to God, I suffered. I see that God has never left me, I left him. I walked away, because I didn’t want to give up everything. But, I am ready to change that and follow Him wholeheartedly in everything I do.
Often times christians will go to church and decide to rededicate their lives to God. But, I don’t want that; I don’t want to go out on a spiritual high for a few months. Then have it drift away, and go right back to my old ways, I want something more. I want to change from the inside out, I want to make a permantent change. Not just a change the church sees, but a change even I can see. Too often I am told how much of a godly person I am. But, I’m not! I’m far from it.
I am tired of just wearing christianity on my sleeve. Yes, my desire has always been to serve others, but my heart has not been in it. No more just being a christian on Sunday mornings. I am going to be a christian at work, with my friends, my family, when I’m driving, at the store, everywhere I go. But, most importantly I am going to be a christian when no one is watching. In those moments where I am up late and it’s just me and the tv or me and my laptop. It’s time to give Christ all of me, and stop allowing Satan to get his way. I am giving up everything this time, and doing things the way I should have the first time.
If I am not using my computer for something constructive, I won’t use it. I am getting rid of all my alcohol and cigars (I am not saying that is right or wrong for others to do any of that), because if I am stressed or having a bad day; Christ gave me the best anti-depressants known to man- the Bible and prayer. I am going to give God complete control over my thoughts, and pay close attention to what I am allowing myself to hear and see.
Now don’t get me wrong, I say I am, but honestly I can do nothing. Over and over in this life, I have tried to make a difference and be a better person. But, after 23 years of trying I am realizing that I can’t do anything. I will never make a difference, and I will never be anything great. But, I can obey God and allow Him to make a difference through me. So, I do say I am, but the one truly in control is the great I AM.
I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit to the point where people will know with out a doubt that Christ dwells within me. I am proud to say that I am a Christ follower, but I want to be what I say I am. Christ created me on purpose, and He created me to worship Him. So, rather than trying to figure out where I am going in life or what God has planned for me. I will begin to serve Him now. I don’t have to be in another country to share God’s Word. I can share it right where I am. I don’t have to wait till Sunday’s to worship Christ, I can worship Him at work, while I’m driving, in my thoughts, and everywhere I go, no matter what it is that I am doing.
I am making a commitment today that at the end of everyday, that I finish third. If I ever finish higher then that I have failed you and failed God. I will make it my full focus to always remain in third. Second, will belong to others. God calls us to go out among the nations and share His Word, and to serve others. So, whether I have to give time, money, both, or whatever, I will make sure I keep others before myself. First, of course belongs to Christ. He will be every part of me. I don’t want just others to see Him through me, but I want to see Him as well. I will worship Him with every step of my life. I will finish third!
I will never forget the mistakes I made in my past, or the hurts I have felt. But, I will also, never forget that God brought me through it, and if He brought me through all those times, I know He will be there to bring me through the next valley. So, if it means I rely on God, the most while I’m in the valley. Then as bad as it may sound, maybe it’s best to remain in the valley. But, I will rely on and trust God wherever He has me. I will remember that it was not to long ago, that I lived in sin constantly; and by doing so , I will be able to have compassion towards the lost that God sends me to teach, rather than judgement.
My goal for life comes from, Acts 20:24; “However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me – the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.” I am proud to say that I my daddy is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, He is the Promised Messiah, my Jesus! But, I hope that I will live my life in a way for Him, that He is proud to say I am His son; even though I am so unworthy of this honor.
Everyone at somepoint thinks about what their funeral will be like, and who all will be there. But, what I wonder is what will be said about the life I lived. As a christian I honestly believe the greatest thing that can be said about you is that you followed everyday of your life the as it says in 1st Corinthians 11:1, “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.”
So, today I once and for all, put all my old ways behind me, and strive to live a life living for God in all circumstances wholeheartedly; I will serve wherever I am, and wherever God leads. I WILL FINISH THIRD!
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