I am about to set out on a journey. A journey in which all honesty, I am terrified of. Here I sit in the one place I have called home nearly my whole life. My family, my friends, my successes, my failures, everything I am, and everything I have is here. Which therefore, would make perfect sense to why those closest to me don’t understand. Everything I need is here, and they are right. But that is where the problem arises within me. I need to fully rely on God, to trust and follow Him. I don’t know our destination, but I do know He will be walking with me throughout this journey, so I will go.
You see, I want something more, I’m tired of just blending in, being part of the background. I need to know that my words, my life, everything that I am has a meaning, a purpose. I live for good, and often do it. But, if it doesn’t make a difference in the world, does it really matter? That right there is what I desire, to matter. Yet, because of my own fears and insecurities, I have spent the majority of my life doing my best, but at the same time staying partly hidden.
I don’t care if I ever get a plaque, some type of great reward, or even a pat on the back. None of that is what I seek. I just want to know that when I exit this life, my Heavenly Father can look at my life and smile. I don’t want Him to hurt with disappointment and be heartbroken when He looks at me.
I do understand that every picture needs a background. But, the purpose of a background is to create a more dynamic, enlightening picture. To bring into perspective the full beauty and power of the scene being portrayed. I live my life for Christ, He is the center of the picture in which I live. But, I have simply faded into the background, trying to go unnoticed. I’m still there, still serving, but I’m doing just enough to remain a part of this portrait.
God gave me so much more, He gave me everything that I am, and it’s time to do the same for Him. I can never repay Him for all He has done, and will continue to do. But, I can give Him the one thing He gave me; my life. But, this is where so often the biggest mistake of all is made. So, I will be clear, I’m not giving God just 10%. It seems like too often we get caught up in this whole idea of trying to figure out how much is enough. Well, after I give my life to God, if there is any of me left over, then I simply have not given enough. God didn’t die for only 10% of the world, He went in giving 100% of His life. So, I will go out giving 100% of mine.
In just a few days I will begin a new chapter of my life. I will be living in a place that I don’t know well, I will have to make new friends, build relationships, find a new church home, and so much more. I will be going to school to begin receiving training for what God is calling me to do. So, you may ask again, “Why give up everything, to start over with nothing?”. Simple, I already have nothing, and am nothing here on my own. But, God has the ability and power to take something so small and pathetic and create something great. Though I do fear this decision, I also know I will be okay. For in the place in which my faith belongs, there lies my hope and the promise of a loving God, that though I will struggle, He will be with me to comfort, teach, guide, protect, and love me.
I personally am blessed to be able to say that I was raised in a Christian home. Yet, I am saddened to say that for most of my life I lived in the world, and made it my home. At a very young age, I was introduced to the world of pornography. A few years laters, I began to hang out with a new group of people, where sex, drugs, alcohol, and sometimes violence were a part of daily life. I can say that I did refrain from much of it. But I still witnessed and at times took part in things that changed me, and hurt me deeply. My life had began to spin out of control and I really didn’t know where I could go. I woke up each day feeling so small and worthless; depression was starting to take over. At the age of 16, I put a gun to my head. I can remember every single aspect of that night. When I lie in bed at night I can hear the clicking of that gun…twice. For some reason it would not fire, so I checked it, and tried a 2nd time. In the years that followed, I secretly lived a life shielded by a mask. I began to slip further each day into depression, I stopped sleeping, and found the only way I could go on was to depend on alcohol.
In the summer of 2004, I gave my life to God. My life didn’t change immediately, it was hard, but it did change. I had been so involved in filth, that it did take time to rid my life of all of it. I continued to better myself by spending time with God, up until He showed me what He wanted me to do. I tried to plead with Him, get Him to rethink His standing. But, when I saw He wasn’t going to budge, I went back to running.
In the years to follow, I went through the failure of a marriage, and eventually turned back to alcohol, drugs, and sex for comfort. I fell into the deepest of darkest pits of depression, and attempted repeatedly to take my own life, which eventually would lead me to the hospital. The hardships and troubles I faced during those dark days, I wish to one day be able to share with you. To share how I did eventually escape out of that imprisonment. It took time, too much, but I did come back to God, and this time I promised myself and God that I would give up everything and follow Him, no matter the cost. To my surprise and shock, His plans for my life remained the same. I still spent sometime trying to persuade Him to rethink His decision, but this time I stuck to my promise.
I don’t know what exactly God has planned for my life, I’m just taking one step at a time. God has called me to the ministry, to which, many people have asked “where?”. I will go, I will teach, I will share “wherever” He tells me to. I am a very quiet and shy person, and it does trouble me why God would choose me, with the shameful resume that I have. Yet, I do know everything will be okay, for God has not misled me yet, and I don’t expect Him to now.
My move to Jacksonville is about to take place. There I will be attending Trinity Baptist College, majoring in Christian Counseling. With the help, and guidance of God I will one day be able to help those who struggle the same way I did. I am scared, I don’t know where I’m going to work. I don’t know if I will find anyone there that I can trust, or if I will find a church that becomes that of a home. But, I would rather live in a place of the unknown with the One who created and loves me. Than to live where I am comfortable, but hiding and running from the very One whom I say I live for. See, for me to stay here I would be living a lie. I say I am a follower of Christ, and He is calling me elsewhere. Therefore, it is time for me to do what I believe, rather than just say or post it.
I really don’t care if 50, 60, 70, or 100 years from now anyone knows nor rememebers me. My only hope is that because of the life I chose to live other people will have come to know Christ as Father. Because regardless of everything else, He is all that “matters”.
